A couple years back I was talking to a man that was interested in joining my men's group, We Are The They. He loved the idea of it, had already had a great experience in his limited time around the guys, and was ready to go all in. The only hesitation he had, his wife wasn’t on board.
I did a call with her to answer her questions. She wanted to make sure this wasn’t just a bunch of dudes getting together and causing problems. I explained the mental, spiritual, and emotional sides to what we do.
Just when I thought she was getting it, she said something that stopped me. She was also a life coach and had much more experience than I did in the online coaching space. She said, “What can you possibly teach him that I can’t?”
It was one of the easiest questions I’ve ever been asked. Not because I know things she doesn’t. But because she literally can’t give him what we can. The opportunity to just be with the boys.
Men do not want their spouse to mother them or “teach” them how to be better men. They want a lover, a partner, a passionate woman. They want to be her rock and her safe place. And because of this, a wife can never give her husband what a group of men can in this scenario.
A place where it’s ok not to be ok. Where he can fall apart and share his fears and resentments. His disappointments and his struggles. All the while keeping the safety and respect of his wife and kids.
Sometimes the boys need to be with the boys. They need the men to hold space for them while they scream or cry or fall apart. Safe to do so knowing that their brothers have them. That they will allow for this space to happen and help him create a new self that can then go back to his wife and kids and hold that safety for them.
Men know they’ll be punished if they open up too much in front of their women. They’ve been punished in the past. Lack of respect or love often follows when they show this weakness that they hold. This fear that they will only be loved if they can protect and provide.
This past weekend I witnessed some of the most beautiful moments of my life watching men hold space for others. Challenging them to step up and be more. To want more. To fight their demons that are holding them back.
When I’m struggling, I have my guys I know I can call. Sometimes it’s to vent. Sometimes it’s to cry. And sometimes it’s just to scream and bitch and moan. But before I leave their house or before that phone call is over, we both know that I have a plan to fix my problems. I have the support I need to fight through them. And I have the help that I can call on at any point.
Men, you don’t have to go about this alone. A lot of you may already have these relationships and friendships in your life. Value them. Cherish them. Honor them.
If you don’t, or if you want to deepen the ones you already have, that’s why We Are The They exists. That’s why this community grows so quickly and 95% of new men are referred from previous members of the group.
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